I’ve been following a meditation course recently and it’s super annoying. “Notice how you feel,” the instructor says.
No thank you.
I don’t work 4+ jobs so I have time to pay attention to how I feel. I work so much so I can completely ignore how I feel.
The meditation is a work in progress. Because I know it is helpful when I can slow down and actually take time to be uncomfortable and bored. Sure enough, ten minutes of shallow breathing quickly alerts me to the anxiety in my shoulders and the fears I’ve been pushing aside. If you’d like I’ll send you a 30 day free trial to Headspace and you too can experience this.
There’s a real fear that accompanies my many jobs. I work outside of the church because there’s not enough money in my congregation to pay for all my living expenses. I fret over $5 increases for piano lessons wondering if it will balance out my student debt. I recently returned to the dentist after many years away. Partially because who wants to go to the dentist, but also because who can afford to go to the dentist?
My working life can be a frenzy that only barely masks real concerns about scarcity. I hope that with everything put together there will be enough.
In full honestly, when I slow down enough and create enough space to actually check in with all these things, my fears begin to shrink to something more manageable. As it turns out, I do have enough. It might not look like what people around me have (part-time ministry is not lucrative) but it’s just fine for the shape and size of my life.
My deep breaths lead me to recognizing the gifts of my flexible schedule. I remember how I’m adding new piano students. I give thanks for this little newsletter and subscribers that help fund my weekly writing and reflecting.
This tiniest bit of reflection helps me check in on the foundation of all my jobs. There is a particularly toxic form of part-time pastoring I want to avoid, and that’s the role that’s rooted in panic. You might know the position—a church is low on money and feels terribly stressed so they place all their hopes and dreams on one pastor working 20 hours a week to save them. That’s not a good place to anchor a job. Neither is true scarcity, when there is not enough money for food or housing.
Although I hate to admit it, taking a breath and diagnosing the anxiety—figuring out how you really feel—is key.
A brief guide to my favorite meditation practices
As mentioned, I do use Headspace for several meditation practices. It’s not cheap to access the full app, but the price actually helps me be more consistent about use. There’s a few specific practices I find myself returning to:
Mindful walks: This saves me when it really is too stressful to just sit and meditate. I love a little bit of movement to really shake loose the anxiety.
Tooth brushing mindfulness: Another activity centered meditation, this one slows me down and also has probably kept me cavity free.
Any guided breathing: These are classic (breathe in for four, hold for four, etc.) but almost without fail show me that I was not really breathing deeply when I thought I was. My toxic trait is thinking I’m taking deep breaths when I’m actually just gently hyperventilating.
What I’m playing
Apparently I’m late to the game, but I’ve been catching up on the New York Times puzzle game Connections. It’ll all about patterns and categories which is absolutely my favorite type of brain teaser. I can’t yet get fully into some of the other NYT games (my husband does the Wordle and we share an account so I’m out on that one) but this is a keeper in my book.
What life looks like
Reaching the center of a labyrinth
Relatable!!!!!!